I was just recently introduced to what may or may not be a masterful satire article on Adequacy.org, entitled “Is your Son a Computer Hacker?” If it’s satire, it’s awesome. If it’s real, it’s disturbing. Either way, it makes for a good read.
Basically, the article is written by a father who found out that his son was a computer hacker. He lists out 10 warning signs.
- Has your son asked you to switch ISPs? - Anything other than AOL is for hackers only.
- Are you finding programs on your computer that you don’t remember installing? - Hacker programs include Comet Cursor, Bonzi Buddy, and Flash.
- Has your child asked for new hardware? - If your son wants a processor from AMD, he’s a hacker.
- Does your child read hacking manuals? - “Programming with Perl” by Timothy O’Reilly is out.
- How much time does your child spend using the computer each day? - If your son spends more than 30 minutes online, he’s a hacker and he’s trying to DOS someone’s computer (seriously).
- Does your son use Quake? - Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. Hackers will tell you that it’s just a game.
- Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour? - The Internet has that effect on people.
- Is your son obsessed with “Lunix”? - Lunix is an illegal hacker operating system invented by the Soviets.
- Has your son radically changed his appearance? - Hackers dress in bright, day-glo colors, complete with glow-sticks and pacifier necklaces.
- Is your son struggling academically? - It may be due to computer radiation. And Otaku.
I’m reasonably certain the entire site is satire (along the lines of Landover Baptist), but if anyone knows for sure, feel free to let me know.
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Yeah, it’s satire. Been around for a while, but still one of the most classic examples. I love the “Lunix” thing. Apparently I’m a hacker!
I’m amazed I haven’t come across it more recently, considering it’s been up since 2001.
I do mOst of the above! Im nOT a HAcker!
“Has your son asked you to switch ISPs? - Anything other than AOL is for hackers only. ”
I find keeping an AOL acct around is awesome– can’t IP ban. ahem…whatever that means.
A Timothy Leary textbook could also mean he’s into the drugs.
What’s satire, again? Is that like saying true things but pretending to be joking so ppl don’t get mad at you?
So you’re the one I’ve been dealing with on Wikipedia! Damn dynamic IPs…
Satire is sarcasm without the insulting tone.
Thanks for clearing that up, love. I’m glad to have such a smart friend!
Am I doing it right?
Hmm, my sarcasm sensor is going off. But there might be Interweb jamming.
i want to learn how to be a mad hacker pls
lmao. i’ve been looking for somewhere to comment on that article for YEARS. Of course, i haven’t been looking that hard. the guy who wrote that obviously understands nothing, and although the hacking world today is not what it was in 2001, i’m still going to comment on each of the ten reasons (the original text, not the summarized version)
1. alright, well first off, if your kid is a computer hacker, he’s going to know how to crack/sniff the password on your child-filter. of course, i’m taking into account that AOL was HUGE back then, but still, it wasn’t the fastest.. this was when broadband was getting started up. your kid could just be a gamer who requires a very fast internet connection. if you expect your child to actually be trying to be “a hacker” then simply do a little bit of research on the service provider he/she is asking to switch to; problem solved.
2. i actually had to read this one a few times.. “hackers” do not use bonzi-buddy, comet cursor, and flash. these are simply just malicious mass downloads (which were extremely popular in the years 2000-2003), not any type of hacking software. Some serious hacking software includes ipscanners, port scanners, sniffers, crackers, virus kits, and more, not random programs. it goes without saying that most kids like to explore the internet, “unrecognized” programs are common, especially to the less-tech-savy adult.
3.This reason made me laugh, at the sheer lack of knowledge this parent has. hackers (quote me on this) NEVER, EVER, >>>EVER<<< need a better graphics card, hard drive,and (rarely) memory. these are all common needs for GAMERS. heck, even some media-crazy kids will require a few more gigabytes to store their music, movies, and such, thats nothing to worry about. Now i will move on to the OUTRAGEOUS claim of AMD products.. incase this loonatic failed to read the fine print, AMD stands for Advanced micro devices, and is currently leading the expedition for the ever-growing needs of the computer-world. AMD currenly manufactures some of the most top-of-the-line chipsets, graphics cards, and processors in the tech-world. calling AMD a third-world a third world “sweatshop” that induces child labor is quite ironic, actually. as to manufacture these chips, you need to be quite experienced indeed, it is not the work of a child. if you are still in disbeleive- how about you check your computer’s information (or just look at the amd website). theres a 70% chance that you have some type of AMD hardware, and if you don’t, it’ll probably be in the next computer you buy. and please don’t let this propagandist make you take action against your son, you are raising him great by keeping him away from people like the one who authored that article.
4. This reason really brings up the question “what religion is this guy” I’m not here to discuss beliefs, but there is nothing wrong with your daughter wearing make-up and perfume.. every girl does it, its American culture. Now, lets see this list of books:
Snow Crash” and “Cryptonomicon” by Neal Stephenson; “Neuromancer” by William Gibson; “Programming with Perl” by Timothy O’Reilly; “Geeks” by Jon Katz; “The Hacker Crackdown” by Bruce Sterling; “Microserfs” by Douglas Coupland; “Hackers” by Steven Levy; and “The Cathedral and the Bazaar” by Eric S. Raymond.
the above books are written by trusted, certified, computer scientists and developers. They are not “hacking manuals” they are books to give you a better understanding of your computer. i was hoping to see “Pc’s for dummies” but i guess the original author was a step above what i thought he was. You should be proud of your child reading computer books, tons of jobs in the future (and now) require computer skills, why not prepare early?
5. Alright, here i actually see a valid point. DoSing another computer is AGAINST THE LAW, however it does not take 8 hours, and if your kid is experience enough, he can pull it off in a matter of 1-2 hours, easy. next, theres no reason why you should limit time on a computer, unless of-course, it is consuming your childs life, or if it is a “shared” computer. I’ll admit, theres nothing healthy about staring at a screen for 10 hours, however MMORPG gamers (massively multiplayer online role playing game) are sometimes required to stay on the computer for hours on end, however that can easily be controlled considering how most MMO’s have monthly subscription fees, which you can cancel at your discrection.
6. Alright, i’m not going to go in-depth here. last time i checked, quake was one of the best selling games for computers in 1999-2002. i’m not here to research it. if you don’t feel good about your child playing games that induce violence (shooting, killing, ect), the firearms in your house already should be locked away (did i even have to say that?).
7. i just laughed at this one, computer hacking is sometimes viewed as a past-time by sites such as hackthissite and rootthisbox. As a parent, however, i wouldn’t feel 100% safe if my child was frequenting these sites. I’m going to ignore most of this blind-persuasion, but i might as well say that the only real computer realted activities that will largely affect your childs life are slimmed down to two: MMO gaming, and internet pornography. I’m absolutely not going into a porn discussion right now, but MMO’s and FPS (first person shooter) games might just alter your child’s reality (and physical state) be careful.
8. LUNIX.. about 2% of childs will even think about it. infact, i didn’t even know what it was until i read this article. I’m not sure about the credibility of this information, but it was written sometime in the last century, and was last updated in 1994. it’s obviously nothing to worry about. It hasn’t even been formatted for 8bit systems yet( 8bit system = windows 95), in other words “LUnix is obsolete” and cannot install properly on 99% of computers, unless your still in the stoneages of computers (before windows 95). Don’t worry if you see it installed, just delete it, it really has no chance of harming ANYTHING.
9. I laughed, hysterically, at this one (and so did my friends). If your kid is carrying around glowsticks in the daytime, or wearing a pacifier around his neck, send him to a mental hospital (sorry, it had to be said) there is no “hacker” style of dress, there are no “hacker” shoes, there is no “hacker” hairstyle. That’s really all i have to say.
10. all i have to say is WHAT THE HELL. like i said before, computer hacking isn’t going to consume your childs life. if the grade slippage IS computer based, maybe it’s time to revoke computer privilages. please note: otaku, does not exist. it is a japanese term for people obsessed with manga (japanese comics), not some type of underground hacker society. also, it should be noted that computers dont give off electromagnetic radiation. however wireless routers have been known to give off extremely small amounts. i have never heard of a “computer related” illnesses, besides extreme weight-gain. i beleive that several of the diseases listed are just made-up, as i have never heard of them.
All in all, i think we’ve all come to realise that this guy doesn’t even know the definiton of “hacker”. i was infuriated enough to write you this wonderful essay, in hopes to steer parents and kids everywhere away from your propaganda.
TJ,
Uhh, you know that this was a joke article, right? Other articles by the same author can be found here: http://www.adequacy.org/users/720/index.html
Like this one, they are quite an interesting read. Either the guy is raving mad, or a raving genius (I think he’s a raving genius). I mean, look at all the people he’s tricked so far… :p